I have 5 or so on speed dial when life goes sideways (like being stuck in Emerge with B with no way to leave or get Mike) to care for my children in a pinch. These women know me, they know our story and they are there for me.
I'm leaving my safety net of my Mom-friends behind. The hardest part about leaving the school also is for me. I do know all of this but please understand it doesn't lessen the guilt. He's having to leave behind some friends that he's been in school with since he was 3, so it's hard. This is a child that has already made countless sacrifices for his brothers and there will be many, many more. Yes, for those of you that are saying you have to do what is best for the family as a whole, it's true but here is a child that is so very empathetic and caring and sweet that just wants to do everyday 7 yr old things and can't most days. My heart hurts for Rylan when I know that I have to make a decision that isn't in his best interest as well. The guilt I have around Rylan having to make so many sacrifices in life already being a Neuro typical kid between his brothers is huge enough without adding this. It was an awful decision I had to make and it was not at ALL what I had intended with the meeting with the Principal! The decision to switch schools for Torin is one thing (obviously a no-brainer, the kid needs help!) but I agonized about 'making' Rylan switch schools. My oldest needs more support in the classroom and the school we were at just simply can't offer it. June was also a rough month due to the fact that after a meeting with my oldest's Principal we came to the realization that our current (and much loved) school wasn't enough for us. Now I don't say this lightly and I don't say this to worry anyone (I truly am fine) but I do know the harsh road of depression and I do know myself (when I'm willing to admit it). Combine family leaving, mixed with overwhelming physical and emotional exhaustion, and a Momma in fight or flight and you get depression.
We had lots of extra help, support and love in the house for almost 5 weeks straight (which is amazing) but it did have to come to an end. My Mom was here in May which is a huge influx of support and my In-laws followed her less than a week. Inevitably I get sick but I've started taking care of myself SO well since January that I've not only not gotten sick in over 6 mths but I'm getting stronger, losing weight and building muscle! (Hurrah!) So what's left to give? My mental health took a beating instead. There must be a problem! Has he stopped breathing? I need to check! Of course he's alright, of course he's breathing (thank goodness) and of course the only problem is now that I'm awake! The other main problem that I have is that I can only sustain this 'living' for so long before something has to give. I will wake after an appropriate amount of time and have a brief moment of irrational fear that if he's not woken me up. How do I know that I'm in this state? Multiple reasons but the main one is that even when B does sleep for a few hours consecutively (on the extremely rare occasion), I do not. Now, in all honesty, I've not left this state since B was born (or the terrifying 10 days before he was born rather).
When you have so many admissions your hormones (cortisol especially) are at a constant high and you (and by you I mean me) live in a state of fight or flight. When you have multiple admissions (or even a nice long one) then you have a major transition back into your home 'life', then you have a grace period of 'happiness and normalcy' (whatever that looks like for your life).and then the irrational (yes I'm aware of the irrational) fear of 'waiting for the other shoe to drop' begins.
So why was June not a good month? Because there is this thing that medical/special needs parents get (at least the majority that I know) that is called the 'waiting game'.
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